Horoscopes for fun from Grapeshot uni mag.

note: these horoscopes are for fun and it's not even accurate or whatever. so don't believe it. it can be racist or harmful to your mentality so it is rated only for mature readers.

Aquarius
~The cosmic forces wish to inform you that you have a half-brother in Mexico.

Pisces
~Love is on the cards this month. Lead with talk of the correct application of sailing knots, pique their interest with your impressive Digimon collection and seal the deal with chloroform.

Aries
~Good news! You will invent the flux capacitor. The bad news, you're your own grandfather.

Taurus
~The scales don't lie. You are fat.

Gemini
~Remember those tablets with "X" printed on them. They weren't mints. Your lectures should be interesting today.

Cancer
~To achieve happiness, rid yourself of worldly possessions. Sell everything. Then use the money to buy heroin. Heroin = happiness. Jesus said that.

Leo
~Let's face it, your friends don't talk to you anymore. That's why you're reading this.

Virgo
~Notice the ibis are massing? You know the Hitchcock movie The Birds? Best stay indoors this month.

Libra
~"Who's the black private dick, that's a sex machine to all the chicks?" "Libra." "You're damn right."

Scorpio
~The position of Venus says you should prepare for a surprise this month! Apparently, yes, the condom did break.

Saggitarius
~No it's not cool to turn up to your neighbour's swingers party uninvited, especially if you don't have a partner. Avoid a faux pas by bringing extra French Onion dip.

Capricorn
~Your children will die cold and alone, homeless and diseased. They'll probably get their ears pierced too and date 'rough types' who you don't approve of.