~The stars are aligned in such a way that will make it difficult for you to see in the dark. So you should probably go buy yourself a torch.
Gemini
~A great tragedy will occur in your near future. Maybe you'll lose something dear to you or maybe you'll spill a really delicious glass of milk. Either way, I foresee tears, you big baby.
Cancer
~Your future will be small, quick and cunning. Watch out for any gnome ninjas jumping you in back allyways.
Leo
~Big things are hitting you in rapid succession. Please remember, no matter what that one large rat-tailed boy told you in primary school, human punching bag is not a viable career choice.
Virgo
~You seriously need to exercise.
Libra
~You will develop a slight phobia or gesticulating orangutans. Steer clear of zoos, jungles and South-East Asia.
Scorpio
~It isn't enough to try your best at the moment. You have to try much, much harder than your best in order to succeed. Unfortunately, this is impossible.
Saggitarius
~After reading too much Lewis Carroll, you will write a novel entirely in nonsense words. Brayboys Fullonian Circumtellicotion will go on to be a smash hit.
Capricorn
~After months of looking outward and seeing the stale and the humdrum, an illustrious, luminous and burgeoning band of contortionists will wander past your line of sight.
Aquarius
~Rove McManus is an Aquarius and he's recently secured a talk show in the US. I therefore foresee bizarre and improbable things occurring in your near future. Alien abduction, maybe?
Pisces
~Here's a tip. Don't step out of your house on any day with the letter 'A' in it. You're welcome.
Aries
~You will suffer from an uncontrollable urge to speak your mind in the coming weeks. Saying 'your mind' over and over again does not make for good conversation and you will soon lose most of your friends.
by Kara Schlegl @ Grapeshot Mag
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