Horoscopes (nonsense)

back with the nonsense horoscope for this month.

Aries
~This month you will grow an impromptu moustache in a desperate bid to look cool. It won't work. Especially if you are female.

Taurus
~Your calm, cool, collected exterior makes you boring. Work on that.

Gemini
~You will be chased tirelessly by a rambunctious apple cart. Metaphorically speaking.

Cancer
~When meeting the love of your life at a bar, you will dribble drink down your chin mid-sentence. Luckily, s/he has a little known dribble fetish.

Leo
~Things are looking up but don't get too excited. Being premature is the last thing anyone needs right now.

Virgo
~Virgo means virgin in Latin. But no one is confusing virginity for being virtuous. We all know what you've been up to and you won't get away with it much longer. I just called the cops.

Libra
~You have a decision to make. Will you have wings, or won't you?

Scorpio
~Love is in the air for Scorpios over the next few weeks. Unfortunately, you're allergic. I suggest remaining inside and sealing all windows.

Saggitarius
~Shakespeare wrote, "A horse! A horse! My kingdom for aa horse!" The universe might grant you this trade but you and your horse will grow tired of each other very quickly.

Capricorn
~While we're on the subject of horses,have you ever heard the expression, "Never look a gift horse in the mouth"? I never fully understood it either but i'd be wary of their blunt, yellow teeth if i were you.

Aquarius
~Remember Wagon Wheels? You will have severe cravings for one, but will be at a loss as to where to find one.

Pisces
~ 'Paranoia' is characaterised by a state of irrational delusion. You aren't paranoid, you're just hyper-aware. They really are out to get you.